Present and Accounting For

I write for myself. For those who think I am one of those who want to write to boost a bruised ego or seek fame, you are mistaken. When a mind and psyche are overwhelmed by a tsunami of life’s ick, it is necessary to clean up the mess and carve out your space. It certainly is if you want to claim and inhabit your uniqueness and your humanity.

I was reading today about the importance of reclaiming your personal power. That is something I sorely need to do. I sidestepped and gave away my personal power for many years. My self-esteem and self-confidence had been washed away by negative external forces. Clawing it back is a daunting task. Women are particularly vulnerable to the complicit act of erasing themselves. It is so very easy to be erased. Don’t answer a question honestly. Say black is white when what you really think and know is that it is black. We choose the cheapest dish on the menu instead of ordering what we really want which is $3 more. We go along to get along.

There are those children who are consistently validated on their report cards for “working and playing well with others.” That sets them up to be first-rate bureaucrats and functionaries who seamlessly blend into the system. We promote those people, literally and figuratively, because they are not threatening. Because whoever is in charge wants them to be compliant. Easily directed, managed, and contained. No questions asked.

So the choice comes down to choosing between what you need to grow or the potential risk of alienating others. Much too often, we choose to fit in and curry the favor of people we don’t much like or wish to be like. Choosing another direction can take tremendous courage and sacrifice. There is no end of books and movies that have addressed this theme. Billy Elliott comes to mind. A working-class boy from northern England discovers his passion for ballet and has to fight against his father’s objections to develop his talent. Billy wins in the end and becomes a professional ballet dancer but not without considerable pain and struggle.

It is often said talent is as plentiful as air. But making the commitment and taking the steps to develop it is what defeats most artists. They settle and simmer in mediocrity and denial of the importance of pursuing their gifts. That may be my story. Fear of all stripes ruled my life and choices for many years. Until it came to the point where either I write or I die. Sounds dramatic but I assure you, it is fact.

The world cares about little except our utility in it. And we all have to make a living. But we also have to make a life. Making a life means identifying and pursuing what really matters to you. Ultimately it means honoring what makes you, you.

It also means identifying your pack. Those kindred spirits who “get you” and share your values and support your efforts and goals. We all need to grow and get better and move forward in life. Otherwise, we stagnate and die. If not actually, then metaphorically. That is why this daily blog writing exercise and the pages I write offline to create a memoir matter so much to me. To save myself. To save my soul. Everyone has their own unique path to salvation. Writing is mine.