Days Like This

We are all condemned to have the occasional “off” day or two. The gods of patience and acceptance I appealed to did not pay off. I am stuck where I am indefinitely instead of being where I really need to be. Normally I can handle setbacks and frustration. We all have to from time to time. But, damn.

I have a habit I’ve developed over several years now when I take an emotional hit. I don’t immediately react. I chill out for a while. I take a few deep breaths. I may make myself some tea. Even if I feel awful or sad or scared or something equally unpleasant, I take a minute. Instead of reacting immediately, I create some mental and emotional space inside myself. I wait until I feel strong and composed and ready enough to deal with whatever it is that needs to be dealt with. Trust me, this was an acquired skill.

There is no need to open up, let alone answer that bound-to-be disturbing email that just popped up on your screen. There is no need to answer your phone when you are not up to talking to the name that comes up. Once I remember, back in the days of dial phones, when my father was visiting, I let a phone ring in my house and fully planned to ignore it until it stopped. My father writhed in discomfort and finally blurted out: “Aren’t you going to answer that?” I didn’t.

I used to be at the beck and call of the world. When it wanted or needed me, I’d step right up. No matter what my needs and feelings were. I expect that is still necessary at certain stages of one’s life. As an employee, you ignore your boss indefinitely at your peril. But you still have the right to take a breath and focus on yourself to get grounded in order to tackle the task or carpet call that is coming.

The problem in the workplace, like every other group dynamic, is that there is a predictable domino effect. Emotions are contagious. So if you catch a whiff of anxiety, especially from someone in charge, it is very easy to catch it. I think being a good manager and even a good parent has a lot to do with modeling emotional self-regulation and self-care.

I wasn’t always as calm as I am these days. No sirree, Bob – whoever Bob is.

I would go off on just about anything if my ego was invested enough. The conflagration of neurotic emotions like anxiety, fear, and distress would take over and I would be off and running. My amygdala would completely take control. The amygdala is known as the lizard brain. It has only one function. Self-protection. It doesn’t think things through. It doesn’t say: “Hold up a minute.” It doesn’t seek to negotiate anything or even invite you out for a beer. Instead, it triggers lots of adrenaline to flow into your system with the classic “fight or flight” response.

A talk show host whose name I refuse to mention did once impart a solid piece of advice I have taken to heart. “You teach people how to treat you.” So if you choose to be a doormat, expect to be treated like one. If you have questionable self-respect, don’t be surprised if people around you question your value, too. If you are meek and mild instead of taking bold actions, expect the world to reward you in kind.

And if you don’t want to be endlessly bothered by other neurotics, let the phone ring. Call them back later. They will survive. Especially when you are having an “off” day.