Dream Scenario

Busy! Only natural from time to time but busy still needs to be managed. The last month has been super busy and I’m feeling it. Physically and psychologically. We’ve all been there.

A daughter’s recent ten-day visit (VERY busy, but great in every other way). A pending house purchase. Medical maintenance to attend to. Writing a book. Daily dealing with both the necessaries and nice-to-haves in life. This blog.

When someone else had agency over my daily schedule, daily life was somehow easier. Easier as the priorities were clear. Nothing else got done while the demands of the job had dibs on my time.

I eventually came to realize there was a frustrating paradox. When I had time, I had no money. And when I had money, I had no time. Now, at least, I have sufficient time and money to cover my needs without stressing over the lack of one or the other.

So, now what do I do? The dilemma of spending time is actually no less intense. The shift in priorities has moved away from what I need and must do every day. Now I get to decide what I want to do after I have done what I still need to do. Life is tricky like that. It doesn’t ease up the “to-do” list significantly until and unless we decide it does. I actually like keeping busy.

Retirement from a paid job must be a total buzzkill for workaholics. I am sure they could find other ways to use their time and energy. I have seen many people who derived their entire identity and sense of self from their work. It is their entire raison d’etre. Too many times I saw situations where the work went away and, shortly afterward, so did they. Post-retirement deaths seemed endemic for a while.

I often think slowing down for workaholics is similar to having a toxic tsunami overtake them when they cannot distract their minds from busy work any longer. Workaholism is an addiction for many, they are trying to fill an unfillable hole inside themselves. They can’t seem to face the void or heal the pain and start to break down. Sometimes fatally.

So I deliberately wove in pleasurable activities and pursued other interests even while I was working. Now that I am out from behind the paywall, other activities feed my mind and my soul. One day it might be cracking open a new book. It could also be a bike ride around the neighborhood just to get out to get fresh air and sunshine. I have always enjoyed remodeling and interior decoration.

On days when I am feeling committed and energetic, I go to the gym. I am aiming for that sweet spot where “working out” is more a rewarding activity than a chore. That said, my approach to physical exercise can be all wrong. I jump in with great enthusiasm. I take on every machine by creating an intense series of reps and sets – all of which is highly illogical for a self-described couch potato.

I then kvetch as my muscles hurl obscenities at me for the next three to four days. I swear I actually hear them laughing at me as I toy with the idea of visiting the machines again any time soon. I don’t blame them. I collapse in defeat not long afterward and have to ramp myself up again psychologically to go anywhere near the gym at all. I believe the situation I am describing is called “self-defeating.”

I strive daily for that elusive sweet spot of balance. Not too much of anything. Everything in moderation. Honing my vision and energy in on a few important tasks a day instead of a baker’s dozen. I do better some days than others. It has helped that my definition of success and happiness has evolved.

I derive more pleasure some days by just sitting. Or staring at a lovely landscape off in the distance. Maybe thinking about stuff. Maybe not.

When I contrast these halcyon days with the mad days of busy work fuelled by endless ambition, I breathe a deep sigh of relief. I am happy I do not have to choose not to live like that anymore.

It is a gift I realize is not automatically afforded to everyone. I luxuriate these days in having a hot cup of tea, a new book, and sitting in a comfy chair by a picture window with nothing urgent to do. That is my very definition of living a dream scenario.