Tag: aging

The Constancy of Nature

It is something of a snickering stereotype among the younger generation. As people get older, their energy often turns more deliberately to pursuits in nature.

I figure there are a bunch of reasons for that. It could be the happy result of having vanquished internal demons and accomplished important life goals. So they get to choose to do what they enjoy doing.

Some may see a turn toward nature in later life as a giving up on society and withdrawing from the world. Maybe. But I prefer to see it as a symptom of acquired wisdom.

All of the important lessons we learn in life are internal. Even if there appear to be others involved. They are merely triggers and tests in human form.

So whether your “opponents” are parents or lovers or children or colleagues or random members of your community, they all have something to teach you.

They won’t necessarily teach you lessons you want to learn. But in my experience, that was never really up to me.

I had to keep taking tests until I passed them. I am hard at work studying for the next one that comes up. As long as we live, they never end.

Another reason I think we start to turn toward nature and natural things is the certainty of it. Put seeds in good earth, water them and they will grow. Either to nourish us as in food or to delight us as in the beauty and form of flowers or shade from a towering tree.

My Aunt Anne wanted to die in an apple orchard. I regret that I was too young and didn’t have the power to make that happen for her. She simply wanted to sit amongst the bounty and take it in the fragrance and beauty of the apples.

I get it. I am feeling a similar pull towards nature though my death is not imminent (as far as I know.) I am feeling a need for simplicity and certitude. There are no great acts of nature that most of us can’t prepare for. Even at her most furious, the cycles of nature are fairly predictable.

We don’t know for sure if the seeds will germinate and grow. We anxiously try to control the conditions for growth with various levels of success. We don’t know when death will put an end to our earthly progress.

But we all know the rules.

Farmers had a deep understanding of nature’s cycles and needs. They lived with those rules. As our lives in the twentieth century moved out of the countryside and into the cities, the rules of living started to change.

The rules of nature did not. We live in a world today where the rules are under constant attack. We are trying to live longer. We are trying to hang on to youth and beauty by more and more extreme methods.

Many people today are painfully self-absorbed. They are drifting farther and farther away from the basics of living. And we are paying the price.

So cleaving closer to nature makes sense to me. It checks a lot of boxes for creating happiness.

I like the puttering, the decision-making, the time in the sun and praying for rain. Time in nature gives me a sense of peace, groundedness and a connection to something greater.

That has a whole lot more appeal to me as a way of being than the artifice of navigating tricky social situations, and workplace politics. It always did.

So maybe it is age that brings on a deeper appreciation for all things in nature. But I think it is simpler than that.

We are – if you buy into the biblical description – made from dust and to dust we will return. Which is as about as simple an explanation of the origins of life as I can come up with.

I will leave a more complex analysis of why and how we got here to younger and more nimble intellects. As for me, I’ll plan to head back to the garden with a cup of tea and uncluttered mind.

Illogical Conclusions

I once read about a woman who had the peculiar habit of cutting the ends off a ham before roasting it in the oven. For no good reason. When one of her children finally asked why she did that, the woman didn’t have an obvious answer.

“It is what my mother always did,” she replied. “But why?” her daughter insisted. So the woman asked her mother. “Why did you always cut the ends off the ham before you put it in the oven?”

“Well, it was the only way I could make it fit in the baking pan I had.”

Have you ever explored where your personal beliefs come from? The ham roast example is pretty specific, I realize. Need a more generic example?

“Girls aren’t good at maths.” “Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.” “No one in my family ever went to university.” “A woman’s place is in the home.” Granted, those “beliefs” are all a little dated. My age may be showing.

Be that as it may, there are still a whole bunch of people who earnestly believe, “A woman can’t do … [fill in the blank].” It is such small and limited and exhausting thinking. Exhausting because it is an uphill battle to confront and overcome such thinking. Not only in others but often in yourself.

We conduct our lives and do certain things we do based on our beliefs. What we believe, guides and informs our daily life. To keep things fresh, I find it a good practice to challenge my beliefs occasionally.

I have had a nagging belief in lack for my whole life. The belief was instilled through suffering traumatic losses in my young life. That pain and chaos created all kinds of dysfunctional issues and drama around acquisition and money.

I would spend, then regret my spending, then take things back to the store and then get mad because I either needed or really wanted what I’d bought. I’d go back to the store.

I’d have a full-blown argument in my head about the merits of either buying something or saving the money right there in the women’s clothing aisle. Talk about exhausting. I was lucky I wasn’t committed.

Make no mistake. Letting go of our beliefs can be painful, too. No one likes being “wrong.” Or even if we inherited the belief and are merely following the dictates of the family and culture we grew up in, it can still hurt.

Aside from your whole guiding belief system, there are millions of lesser beliefs we might take a look at and toss. A timely one for me is the fear and losses of aging. I am at that juncture but have never been more happy and at peace with myself and my life.

Yet I am bombarded daily with a dazzling array of products and procedures that will reverse this dastardly process and vague hints of irrelevance and looming discard that accompany my advancing years. Poppycock.

Yesterday I watched the movie, Nyad. Starring powerhouse actors Annette Bening and Jodie Foster, I first noted how lined their faces have become. And that there weren’t heaps of make-up applied to cover that.

Nyad is the story of marathon swimmer Diana Nyad who – at 64 – managed to swim from Cuba to Florida, a distance of some 110 miles. The producers took great care to make it not look easy.

In fact, Diana Nyad eventually only succeeded after four previous failed attempts over as many years. The online movie bumpf around this film makes a lot of noise about Nyad’s achievement breaking down stereotypes of age and gender.

The other word it uses – and I encourage my female friends to consider adding this to their own personal belief system – is that older women can be pure badasses. The stereotype of sweet little old ladies (SLOL) who quietly fade off into the distance is a belief worth tossing.

I take heart from the great ladies and role models out there who have turned the SLOL archetype on its head. Old AND sexy. Betty White. Carol Burnett. Sophia Loren. Ann Margaret. Helen Mirren. Judi Dench. Elizabeth Hurley. I could go on.

Overriding beliefs I’ve had all my life, that I have looked at closely and see no need to let go of are these: never give up and never say never. Because by giving up it is then and only then, that you are done.

I believe then as I always have that “what will be is up to me.” You should, too. As for society’s insidious perception that we may getting too old to take on new challenges, I like to quote my Dad in response to the naysayers and feet of clay people: “Up ‘em.”

Aging a la Anne Lamott

This is not the first time I have dragged writer/author Anne Lamott into the spotlight for well-deserved laud. I love her voice and a whole lot of other things about her.

Sardonic, witty, spiritually grounded and insightful in a no-nonsense, non-preachy way. She’s funny. She gets that god must have a sense of humor to absorb and deflect the mess we masses have made of his/her/its many gifts.

So this piece she has written and had published in The Washington Post is her take on aging. I found it hard at first to put Anne Lamott in the crone category. But, according to the US Bureau of Statistics, at 70, she surely is.

So enjoy her essay/rant about the skulduggery and indignities of aging. And some of the good stuff, too. Lamott is such a pleasure to read and has such a quirky insightful voice that she almost manages to make aging sound fun.

I said almost.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/10/30/aging-health-strength-mind-heart/?_pml=1

Only As Old

These are not my words.

This is a cribbed Facebook post. Posted by Eden Lynn, a San Diego graphic designer. Who knows where she found it.

It’s a good one, I think, and a great reminder for those who might believe they can’t get there from here:

“At age 23, Tina Fey was working at a YMCA.

At age 23, Oprah was fired from her first reporting job.

At age 24, Stephen King was working as a janitor and living in a trailer.

At age 27, Vincent Van Gogh failed as a missionary and decided to go to art school.

At age 28, J.K. Rowling was a single parent living on welfare who was clinically depressed and at times has contemplated suicide.

At age 28, Wayne Coyne (from The Flaming Lips) was a fry cook.

At age 30, Harrison Ford was a carpenter.

At age 30, Martha Stewart was a stockbroker.

At age 37, Ang Lee was a stay-at-home-dad working odd jobs.

Julia Child released her first cookbook at age 39, and got her own cooking show at age 51.

Vera Wang failed to make the Olympic figure skating team, didn’t get the Editor-in-Chief position at Vogue, and designed her first dress at age 40.

Stan Lee didn’t release his first big comic book until he was 40.

Alan Rickman gave up his graphic design career to pursue acting at age 42.

Samuel L. Jackson didn’t get his first major movie role until he was 40.

Morgan Freeman landed his first MAJOR movie role at age 52.

Kathryn Bigelow only reached international success when she made The Hurt Locker at age 57.

Louise Bourgeois didn’t become a famous artist until she was 78.

Grandma Moses didn’t begin her painting career until age 76.

Whatever your dream is, it is not too late to achieve it. You aren’t a failure because you haven’t found fame and fortune by the age of 21.

Hell, it’s okay if you don’t even know what your dream is yet. Even if you’re flipping burgers, waiting tables or answering phones today, you never know where you’ll end up tomorrow.

Never tell yourself you’re too old to make it.

Never tell yourself you missed your chance.

Never tell yourself that you aren’t good enough.

You can do it. Whatever it is that sets your soul on fire.”

60 Today

Two months sure flew by. Much like life generally as we get older.

Today is the publication of my 60th blog post. I feel there should be cake and candles. And balloons. Or something.

I like honoring commitments to myself. Two months in, I see the value of these posts to keep greasing my internal writing wheels. Topics aren’t hard to come by. I’m pretty outspoken. But as dear old Ma liked to say, “Yes, she is outspoken … but not often and not by many.” Putting an original spin on those topics is the challenge.

In honor of this milestone today, I want to share some great advice I once received about getting older. I have collected many nuggets and some boulders of wisdom as I have wandered around this life. Then I either publish those nuggets or otherwise share them in the hope they will do somebody some good. Just as they once did for me. This post is twice as long a read as normal. Deserves every damn word.

If you have already achieved the status of eminence grise, enjoy. If you aren’t there yet, file this in your “Someday” file. Because – trust me on this – if you’re lucky, one day you will be old. It might be nice to have some guidelines lying around on how to do old well.

Great advice

This excellent list for aging is good advice to follow.

1. It’s time to use the money you saved up. Use it and enjoy it. Don’t just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it. Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a son or daughter-in-law with big ideas for your hard-earned capital. Warning: This is also a bad time for investments, even if it seems wonderful or foolproof. They only bring problems and worries. This is a time for you to enjoy some peace and quiet.

2. Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren, and don’t feel bad spending your money on yourself. You’ve taken care of them for many years, and you’ve taught them what you could. You gave them an education, food, shelter, and support. The responsibility is now theirs to earn their own money.

3. Keep a healthy life, without great physical effort. Do moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep. It’s easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy. That is why you need to keep yourself in good shape and be aware of your medical and physical needs. Keep in touch with your doctor, do tests even when you’re feeling well. Stay informed.

4. Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other. The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner. One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then, enjoy it together.

5. Don’t stress over the little things. Like paying a little extra on price quotes. You’ve already overcome so much in your life. You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present. Don’t let the past drag you down and don’t let the future frighten you. Feel good in the now. Small issues will soon be forgotten.

6. Regardless of age, always keep love alive. Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbor and remember: “A man is not old as long as he has intelligence and affection.”

7. Be proud, both inside and out. Don’t stop going to your hair salon or barber, do your nails, go to the dermatologist and the dentist, keep your perfumes and creams well stocked. When you are well-maintained on the outside, it seeps in, making you feel proud and strong.

8. Don’t lose sight of fashion trends for your age, but keep your own sense of style. There’s nothing worse than an older person trying to wear the current fashion among youngsters. You’ve developed your own sense of what looks good on you – keep it and be proud of it. It’s part of who you are.

9. ALWAYS stay up-to-date. Read newspapers, and watch the news. Go online and read what people are saying. Make sure you have an active email account and try to use some of those social networks. You’ll be surprised what old friends you’ll meet. Keeping in touch with what is going on and with the people you know is important at any age.

10. Respect the younger generation and their opinions. They may not have the same ideals as you, but they are the future, and will take the world in their direction. Give advice, not criticism, and try to remind them that yesterday’s wisdom still applies today.

11. Never use the phrase: “In my time.” Your time is now. As long as you’re alive, you are part of this time. You may have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.

12. Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly. Life is too short to waste your days on the latter. Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it’ll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better. Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around. Be better, not bitter.

13. Do not surrender to the temptation of living with your children or grandchildren (if you have a financial choice, that is). Sure, being surrounded by family sounds great, but we all need our privacy. They need theirs and you need yours. If you’ve lost your partner (our deepest condolences), then find a person to move in with you and help out. Even then, do so only if you feel you really need the help or do not want to live alone.

14. Don’t abandon your hobbies. If you don’t have any, make new ones. You can travel, hike, cook, read, dance. You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, checkers, chess, dominoes, golf. You can paint, volunteer or just collect certain items. Find something you like and spend some real time having fun with it.

15. Even if you don’t feel like it, try to accept invitations. Baptisms, graduations, birthdays, weddings, conferences. Try to go. Get out of the house, meet people you haven’t seen in a while, experience something new (or something old). But don’t get upset when you’re not invited. Some events are limited by resources, and not everyone can be hosted. The important thing is to leave the house from time to time. Go to museums, go walk through a field. Get out there.

16. Be a conversationalist. Talk less and listen more. Some people go on and on about the past, not caring if their listeners are really interested. That’s a great way of reducing their desire to speak with you. Listen first and answer questions, but don’t go off into long stories unless asked to. Speak in courteous tones and try not to complain or criticize too much unless you really need to. Try to accept situations as they are. Everyone is going through the same things, and people have a low tolerance for hearing complaints. Always find some good things to say as well.

17. Pain and discomfort go hand in hand with getting older. Try not to dwell on them but accept them as a part of the cycle of life we’re all going through. Try to minimize them in your mind. They are not who you are, they are something that life added to you. If they become your entire focus, you lose sight of the person you used to be.

18. If you’ve been offended by someone – forgive them. If you’ve offended someone – apologize. Don’t drag around resentment with you. It only serves to make you sad and bitter. It doesn’t matter who was right. Someone once said: “Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Don’t take that poison. Forgive, forget, and move on with your life.

19. If you have a strong belief, savor it. But don’t waste your time trying to convince others. They will make their own choices no matter what you tell them, and it will only bring you frustration. Live your faith and set an example. Live true to your beliefs and let that memory sway them.

20. Laugh. Laugh A LOT. Laugh at everything. Remember, you are one of the lucky ones. You managed to have a life, a long one. Many never get to this age, and never get to experience a full life. But you did. So what’s not to laugh about? Find the humor in your situation.

21. Take no notice of what others say about you and even less notice of what they might be thinking. They’ll do it anyway, and you should have pride in yourself and what you’ve achieved. Let them talk and don’t worry. They have no idea about your history, your memories, and the life you’ve lived so far. There’s still much to be written, so get busy writing and don’t waste time thinking about what others might think. Now is the time to be at rest, at peace, and as happy as you can be!

REMEMBER: “Life is too short to drink bad wine and warm beer.”

ED NOTE: My personal thanks to the anonymous writer of this great advice. If it was you, please let me know!

Make Our Garden Grow

I love Easter’s message about the certainty of renewal and resurrection for all of us. I love it not so much as a religious message but as a spiritual rule of life. Resurrection and renewal underscore the phases of our lives. There are repetitive patterns of death and renewal throughout. To move forward in life usually means we must leave something behind. Nothing lasts forever. Neither good times nor bad. Leaving things behind is what we need to do in order to grow. Graduation means the end of formal schooling and close connections to the pals you shared it with. Marriage, done right, is saying goodbye not only to singledom but self-centeredness. Birthing children means the end of a good night’s sleep for months on end. Okay, that shortchanges the enormity of how children affect us inside and out. When those babies eventually leave home to start their own lives a decade or so later, it can be a wrenching loss and upheaval for parents. But it can also be liberation. Time is finally available to allow us to return focus to our own interests. This pattern of death and rebirth occurs regularly in everyone’s lives. Time grants us the perspective to look back and accept the certainty of these patterns as the natural patterns of life. If we’re lucky, we get to say a gentle goodbye to every era of our life and welcome what is coming with open arms. Time presses on with or without us. Of course, it requires emotional balance and maturity to make those transitions seamlessly and successfully. Most of us traverse these fissures well enough, often accompanied by some measure of anxiety and trepidation. Most humans react predictably in the face of meeting the unknown. Farmers and gardeners are lucky to be more closely connected than most to these recurring patterns of birth, death, and rebirth. It puzzled me in my youth why gardeners – often older people – took such satisfaction from creating a garden. Looked like a lot of work for questionable results. Nowadays it makes more sense to me. A garden is a contained world we can create and tend through our own choices and efforts. We get to enjoy and share the joy from the beauty of flowers, the nourishment of fruits and vegetables, and a tract of grass that can be a carpet and a playground. A garden is also a guard against erosion – personal and spiritual. Cultivating a metaphorical garden inside ourselves that manifests in our outer life nourishes us and our loved ones. It is considered by some observers to be one of the fundamental ingredients for happiness. As the years press on, our sphere of control in the world outside gets smaller. But our inner world is eternally ours to manage. Reading books nurtures our inner garden. It takes us to places and worlds we may never visit in person and introduces us to all manner of exotica. Readers know this intimately. So do writers.