I have a PhD in avoidance. I’m not sure I always realized that. I am not sure I always realized how much avoiding problems hurt me

I used to have noble delusions of why I wasn’t doing the something I was supposed to be doing. “I’m too busy with other things.” “I have to follow my to-do list.” “I’ll get to it. I’ll get to it.” “Eventually,” I would say.

Funny how I always seemed to have plenty of time for entertaining and frivolous pursuits. Shopping. TV. Magazines. Even housework. A preferable alternative say, to tackling taxes.

When I come across writing that expresses exactly what I am thinking or feeling – or more likely, what I need to hear, I am compelled to share it. As I have done before.

In part, I share it simply to put the good advice out there. The larger part of sharing it in my blog is to ensure I capture and remind myself of something I need to be regularly reminded of.

I have been on Marc and Angel Chernoff’s Hack Life mailing list for some time. They regularly publish helpful posts on how to live life well. They have written several books. Their output of consistently wise and relevant messages is impressive.

Below, Angel Chernoff clearly articulates why avoidance as a coping technique is dangerous. Avoidance and denial were endemic in my family of origin. Indeed, avoidance of problems regularly led to tragic outcomes in our family. Avoidance and denial led to tragedy in my life, too.

I made ill-advised life choices by ignoring facts. I shut my eyes really tight and convinced myself my problems would have disappeared by the time I opened them. I was such a child for such a long time.

Better to rip the bandaid off, they say. Face up to your problems. Take the bull by the horns. That said, it can take a long time to learn. It can take a long time to work through and resolve the fear that causes avoidance.

See if this post on developing healthy coping styles (and, ironically, avoiding unhealthy ones) resonates with you. It sure did with me.

The goal each and every day is to gradually grow stronger on the inside, so that less and less on the outside can affect your inner wellness without your conscious permission.

Truth be told, how you cope with unexpected problems and frustrations can easily be the difference between living a good life and living an unhealthy one. If you choose unhealthy coping mechanisms like avoidance or denial, for example, you can quickly turn a tough situation into a tragic one. And sadly, this is a common mistake many people make.

When you find yourself facing a disheartening reality, your first reaction might be to deny the situation, or to avoid dealing with it altogether. But by doing so you’re inadvertently holding on even tighter to the pain that you wish to let go of — you’re, in effect, sealing it up inside you.

Let’s imagine someone close to you has grown ill, and supporting this person through his or her illness is incredibly painful. You might not want to deal with the pain, so you cope by avoiding it, by finding ways to numb yourself with alcohol and unhealthy eating. And consequently, you grow physically ill too while the pain continues to fester inside you.

Obviously that’s not good.

If you notice yourself doing something similar, it’s time to pause, admit to yourself that you’re coping by avoiding, and then shift your focus to a healthier coping mechanism, like using the quotes listed later in this post (several of which are excerpts from our books) to help you open your mind.

When you face struggles with an attitude of openness — open to the painful feelings and emotions you have — you find out that it’s not comfortable, but you can still be fine and you can still step forward. Openness means you don’t instantly decide that you know this is only going to be a horrible experience — it means you admit that you don’t really know what the next step will be like, and you’d like to understand the whole truth of the matter. It’s a learning stance, instead of one that assumes the worst.

https://www.marcandangel.com/2024/02/19/40-quotes-for-coping-with-things-you-cant-control/