Tag: happiness

The Courage to be Disliked

I wanted to be a good girl when I grew up. And I wanted to be a nice girl. What I really wanted underneath all that wishing was to be accepted and loved.

Being liked would have been a nice bonus, too, and, as a child, I thought it was an important part of the popularity package.

In terms of social trajectories as I got into my pre-teens and teens, it didn’t quite work out as I’d hoped.

Pain made me bitchy and short with people. Unresolved, the pain and my bitchiness grew in intensity and volume. This might have continued in perpetuity if I hadn’t had children.

Children forced me into a major emotional 180. I was no longer completely in control of everything. Foolishly, I still tried to be.

But slowly, instead of being exclusively externally focussed to define my ambitions, find acceptance, and grow in pride and self-love, that all started to change. By heck and by gosh.

Instead of “going along to get along,” as I had always tried to, my tactics started to change. Do I really believe what I am hearing from other people? Especially family members? Is his/her/their definition of success what I really believe? Or how I want to live?

More and more, the answer became no. It certainly didn’t make me very popular. Certainly not in my family of origin. At a certain point, it started to not matter. I accepted I was “different” from the rest of my family. I became okay with that.

I have experienced the most joy and personal feeling of success and accomplishment far away from my family of origin. But for years, I was deeply enmeshed and dependent on them for emotional validation. Until that stopped working.

It was not a quick fix. It took years to separate from them. It took the death of both parents. It took a lot of years of processing what I had been through and starting to imagine what I wanted my life to be.

I could have used this book I just found back in the day. It accentuates my underlying belief that sometimes you have to lose everything to finally get everything. The only opinion that really matters at the end of the day is yours. If someone agrees with you and backs you up, bonus.

“The Courage to Be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is a profound book that presents a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man, exploring the concepts of individual happiness and personal freedom through the lens of Alfred Adler’s psychology.

The book delves into how we can liberate ourselves from self-imposed limitations and societal expectations to find genuine happiness.

Here are some key lessons from the book

1. Freedom from the Opinions of Others: The book emphasizes the importance of detaching our self-worth from the opinions of others. It argues that worrying about what others think of us leads to a constrained life where actions are taken not for personal satisfaction but for external validation.

2. The Past Does Not Determine the Future: A central tenet of Adlerian psychology is that our past experiences do not dictate our future. The book challenges the common belief that past traumas and experiences are the cause of our current unhappiness. Instead, it suggests that we have the power to reinterpret our past and choose actions that lead to a happier future.

3. The Goal of Community Feeling: Adlerian psychology posits that a sense of community and belonging is crucial for individual happiness. “The Courage to Be Disliked” teaches that contributing to the well-being of others without expecting anything in return can lead to profound personal satisfaction and a sense of connection with the wider world.

4. Separation of Tasks: The concept of the separation of tasks is crucial in Adlerian psychology. It involves understanding what is within our control and what is not. By focusing on our own tasks and not overstepping into others’ responsibilities, we can maintain healthy relationships and a sense of personal autonomy.

5. The Courage to Be Happy: True happiness requires the courage to change and to be disliked. The book posits that fear of criticism and rejection often holds people back from pursuing what genuinely makes them happy. Embracing the possibility of being disliked for making choices true to oneself is presented as a pathway to freedom and happiness.

6. Self-Acceptance: A significant barrier to happiness is the lack of self-acceptance. The dialogue explores how accepting oneself, with all flaws and shortcomings, is a step toward genuine happiness. It suggests that self-acceptance allows individuals to make positive changes without being hindered by feelings of inferiority.

7. Contribution to Society: Adlerian psychology suggests that making contributions to society is a source of happiness. The book discusses how acts of kindness and contributing to the welfare of others can enhance one’s sense of purpose and satisfaction in life.

8. Living in the Here and Now: The book encourages living in the present rather than being anchored to the past or overly concerned about the future. It suggests that focusing on the here and now allows for a more engaged and fulfilling life.

“The Courage to Be Disliked” offers a compelling argument for reevaluating our approaches to happiness and personal freedom. By incorporating Adlerian principles into our lives, the authors suggest that we can overcome feelings of inadequacy and live more fulfilling, autonomous lives.

Book: https://amzn.to/49olduR

Scorched Earth

“Happiness obtained by taking away the happiness of others is built on rocky ground. It will neither last nor grow.“

As someone who has lived much of her life waiting for the other shoe to drop, I shouldn’t be as surprised as I am by the depth of pain caused when “it” did.

You have to shake your head at the stealth, speed and secrecy with which the lot beside us was razed this week. I later realized it is part of the construction game.

Move fast. Destroy everything (scorched earth policy). Give your enemies (who in this case are their neighbors) no time or opportunity to consult or react.

In a capitalistic society, community doesn’t matter. In fact, people working together in community dulls the edge of capitalism. Capitalists don’t push the agenda that people can actually get more out of life by working and sharing together when they do.

We humbly approached the owners, in a state of great distress, about buying their lot. Their response was swift and decisive. They didn’t say no, but set an asking price so high, they might just as well have. I am all about profit but it was clear this was way above reason and fair market value. It was designed to deflect us. (I told you they were good at this.)

We are heartbroken and over this past week have watched a dream we saved and planned for our entire lives disappear. When I met him walking his dog, our younger next door neighbor was similarly shaken and did a sharp intake of breath when he talked about the owls in the forest.

He said they had calmed him before bed each night. Since their habitat has been destroyed, they have not returned. They disappeared after the trees were taken down. Our young neighbor is confused and upset over why this had to happen to him in his very back yard so soon after the purchase of his first house. Like us, he closed in May, too.

The owners of the building lot are happy though. Full of dreams and plans. They tell us they are looking forward to making memories with their kids. It is clear it hasn’t occurred to them (or they simply don’t care which is my husband’s take) that they have diminished and destroyed the happiness and dreams of several other people around them to get there. Neighbors, in fact.

I am not so sure there will be many potlucks when the new house goes in. The entire neighborhood is quietly reeling and seething even though they are not directly affected. There was a shared pride and quiet pleasure in preserving that beautiful old forest. The 97-year-old gentleman across the way will surely miss its comfort and beauty out on his morning walks.

I hate learning about unpleasantness in another person’s character. I also don’t want to ever have anything to do with that type of person. I doubt very few in the neighborhood will either. Our neighbors’ comfort, happiness and peace of mind have been disturbed, too.

And the line of trees at the edge of the property the builder assured would be kept intact to help protect our view? Ya. They’re gone. High marks for consistency.

I sure hope the owners enjoy their new place. They are young yet and it is unlikely their hearts and minds have been too deeply etched with the lessons of loss and humility. Those lessons will come later as they do to us all.

My focus has now turned from personalizing our new house toward calculating the minimum operational requirements to get through the upcoming assault from the build. I am reminded of a story. Of course, I am not drawing any analogies with myself so we are clear.

On the cross at Calvary, Jesus said of his tormentors: “Forgive them. They know not what they do.” I believe this about our soon-to-be neighbors.

They have claimed their own happiness through utter disregard and disrespect not only for their new neighbors but for the ancient and beautiful natural forest that surrounded them. Those trees stood for hundreds of years before any of us came along.

The builder cheerily assured us as part of his “calm the concerned clients” pitch when we first met him: “I’ll be putting in trees 109% when the house is finished.” Next February. Maybe.

I am reminded of a small child who comes into the kitchen to “help Mom” but doesn’t actually know enough to be of much use. The eggs break on the floor. The milk is spilled. Flour everywhere. It’s okay. The little kid is just learning and doesn’t know too much.

Now that analogy is apt.

To Be List

Today’s prompt from the 30-day blog challenge intrigued me.

“People come to your blog or website to learn from you,” Frank Taub exclaims. “So teach them something! Maybe a step-by-step guide …. ” Right.

That got me thinking.

I write about healing from an abuse-riddled childhood with addicted parents. Essentially I write about how I got from there to here where life is now stable, happy, and largely peaceful. Quite the leap if I do say so myself.

Frank Taub is right. There were steps to get here.

1. Be born.

2. Ensure one (or preferably both) parents are addicted to some kind of substance.

3. Make super sure they both come from dysfunctional childhoods that were riddled with abuse and neglect.

4. Try to be born into a professional, middle-class family where it was very important to keep up appearances.

5. Have the parents make their primary values making money and acquiring prestige.

6. Have the parents believe: “Children essentially raise themselves.” Another handy belief would be: “Children’s characters are formed by the age of seven and cannot change in adulthood.”

7. Make the parents generally oblivious to the pain or damage their addictions are causing.

8. Be sure your parents don’t take your fears and concerns seriously and dismiss you when you raise them.

9. Push a parent to a suicide attempt. (Having both try to off themselves would be excessive.)

10. When their marriage fails after the suicide attempt, either have them abandon the children or inappropriately parentify them. Now the kids are cooking the meals, doing the shopping and keeping the house clean. So Mommy or Daddy can rest.

11. Withdraw all financial support and necessaries of life in their mid-teens so the kids will have to figure out life and how to make money for themselves.

12. Expect those kids to have a mountain of issues in adulthood that are left for them to work through and overcome.

13. When they raise complaints about their childhood with their parents as adults, have the parents demonize them and make sure everyone knows what bitter disappointments they are.

14. Make sure the parents lie, refuse to take responsibility for any of your troubles, and are there for you only if and when you succeed. Do not object to this.

15. Finally, after years of pain and confusion, and destruction in both your personal and professional, walk away. Leave those parents to the beds they have made for themselves. Love them but from a distance. Preferably a great distance.

SUMMARY: Have kids. Settle down. Start writing about your childhood. WARNING: This could well take years. Your parents may actually have to die before you are able to do this. This is not unusual and does not mean you a bad person.

Aim For Fulfillment

My life has been focused on healing and transformation. I have worked to turn a dealt hand of lemons into lemonade. When I stumble across advice that sums up what I believe, I want to share it. This was written and published by a psychiatrist in The Washington Post. I love the distinction he makes between happiness and fulfillment.

Happiness is fleeting. Aim for fulfillment. It can be achieved when you accept who you are, make the most of what you have, and are optimistic about the future – Advice by Gregory Scott Brown, a psychiatrist, mental health writer, and author of “The Self-Healing Mind: An Essential Five-Step Practice for Overcoming Anxiety and Depression, and Revitalizing Your Life.”

I recently met with a patient, a man in his late 40s with a soft smile. Minutes into our first session, I learned that his biggest fear was that decades later, he would look back and realize that he had spent his entire life — as he put it — “being sad.”

“What are you hoping to get from our time together?” I asked. “I just want to be happy,” he responded.

As a psychiatrist, I think about happiness and how to achieve it. And thousands of conversations with patients who are chasing happiness have taught me that it can be a distraction from what’s really necessary for a better life — fulfillment.

Happiness is fleeting

Patients often come to see me when they are unhappy with their work or personal life. Many see a period of time in their life, such as the day they got married or when they graduated from college, as their template for happiness.

“If I could just feel that way again, I would be happy,” they tell me.

The problem with this approach is that happiness is an emotion, not a state of being. Emotions such as happiness and sadness aren’t supposed to last. They come and go.

Seeking happiness as the ultimate goal is like running after a moving target. And we may feel even more depressed or anxious because we are setting unrealistic expectations about what is achievable.

Fulfillment is a state of being

Unlike happiness, fulfillment is a state of being. It is achieved when you accept who you are, make the most of what you have, and are optimistic about the future.

I learned this lesson as a psychiatry resident almost 10 years ago. As I witnessed patients die, I noticed that despite age or diagnosis, some seemed to be more at peace than others. I wanted to understand how some people in their final weeks could still be okay.

Fulfillment seemed to be the answer. Patients who were fulfilled could reflect fondly on their life and relationships, have gratitude (sometimes that just meant being grateful for having a few hours without physical pain) and remain optimistic (in some cases, in the promise of an afterlife).

Now, I often ask my patients to “imagine life better” and describe what their fulfilled life might look like. Usually, they realize that it’s a life that is attainable.

One of my patients, a woman in her late 50s, came to see me after going through a difficult divorce. Eventually, she found fulfillment — even amid a difficult transition — by focusing on what she was grateful for, such as her three adult children. She took up new hobbies and rekindled old friendships, which gave her hope for the future.

You, too, can begin to cultivate your life in a way that draws you closer to fulfillment, with a few changes.

Don’t overreact to highs or lows

People who are fulfilled don’t overreact to emotional highs or lows. They are able to appreciate that just as the seasons come and go, so do our emotions.

I recommend the HALT model to my patients as a way to avoid allowing their feelings to get the best of them.

Ask yourself: Am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired?

If you are any or many of those things, here are steps you can take.

  • Eat a nourishing meal.
  • Step away from the situation that’s causing stress, if you can.
  • Practice 4-7-8 breathing: Inhale for four seconds, hold for seven seconds, and exhale for eight seconds.
  • Go for a 10-minute walk.
  • Write down three things that you’re grateful for.
  • Talk to a friend.
  • Do things that make you feel relaxed.
Learn to adapt

Life rarely turns out exactly as we plan, and learning to adapt is a superpower for your mental health.

Adapting doesn’t mean giving up your hopes, dreams or intentions. Instead, it involves making the most of what you have right now, so you can stay focused on creating the life you want.

Some researchers have developed a test for AQ (adaptability quotient) similar to IQ that gauges how adaptable you are.

If you aren’t as adaptable as you’d like, you can start by asking yourself: How willing am I to change, to learn or to make mistakes?

Adapting may require unlearning old habits so you can develop new, more helpful habits. I challenge you to approach your life with curiosity before judgment. You may learn valuable lessons about yourself and the people around you.

How to build relationships

Friends are essential to a healthy life — and they are just as important for our well-being as healthy eating habits or a good night’s sleep. Friends, though, don’t just appear out of thin air, an expert said. Here’s her advice for making new connections and maintaining the old ones.

You may have lost touch with friends during the pandemic and may be eager to reconnect. If you want to maintain the level of effortlessness you had before, here is advice from friendship experts on how to optimize these relationships.

Children who develop supportive, trusting friendships with others their age are more likely to become healthy, happy, and professionally successful adults, studies show. Adults can help foster teen friendships.

Develop meaningful relationships

The Harvard Study of Adult Development showed that quality relationships are important for well-being. This comes at a time when loneliness feels like it’s more common than ever.

Consider your relationships not only an investment in your mental health but also an opportunity to bring you closer to fulfillment. Common interest meetups, group therapy, and religious organizations are great ways to form meaningful connections.

When you meet someone new, ask them how they’re doing and actively listen by affirming your understanding of what they told you. It’s an easy first step in planting the seeds for a long-lasting friendship.

Try not to regret

We all have aspects of our past we would change if we could, but living with regret isn’t helpful for mental health. One study shows that people who are fulfilled choose not to live with deep regret.

This means accepting that although you can’t change your past, you can change the way you think about it.

Ask yourself what lessons you have learned from past experiences. These lessons can teach you how to avoid the same mistakes. In some cases, living without regret can allow you to find gratitude for those lessons.

Many of us could use more happiness in our lives, but as psychiatrist and author Victor Frankl wrote, “Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.”

Instead of searching for happiness, shift your attention toward finding fulfillment. It may bring you closer to living a better life and experiencing more happiness along the way.

The Four Agreements: Intro

I don’t exactly remember when Don Miguel Ruiz came to my awareness. I do remember his words hit me like a ton of bricks. His perspective on what I call “essential rules” were key elements in helping me change the downward trajectory in my life. Ruiz’s pivotal book helped me take personal responsibility for a lot more of my life than I previously had. His “agreements” provided me with basic tools that we can all use to create and sustain our own happiness.

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz was first published in 1997. Born into a family of healers and shamans, Ruiz dedicated his life to creating a philosophy that blends ancient Toltec wisdom with modern sensibilities.

Ruiz begins this book by introducing the dream of the planet, which he dreams as the collective dream of all of humanity. This includes family, school systems, religion, and culture. Children learn their particular versions of “the dream of the planet” or the “truth” from their parents, teachers, and religious leaders through a process Ruiz calls the “domestication of humans.”

Ruiz explains how humanity is driven by an internal call “to pursue happiness.” Depending on your culture or belief system or religion, happiness can be achieved via many different routes. And what is happiness? Lack of pain. Lack of want. An abundance of love and joy. Meaningful work. Belonging to and identifying with a group.

In Chapter 1, Ruiz notes that everyone makes agreements in their lives from early on about what to believe, how to feel, and how to behave. However, these self-limiting agreements can actually cause people to continue living in hell in their personal lives.

Think about Catholics who refuse to release one another through divorce for fear of going to hell for doing so. Homosexuality was deemed a crime not so long ago. Geniuses like Alan Turing and Oscar Wilde paid a high personal price for their pursuit of happiness. To escape it and form a new dream, Ruiz outlines four new agreements people can make to fundamentally change their lives and lead them to personal freedom.

I can so relate. In my life, I grew up listening to well-worn narratives about our culture, community, and our family story. I wouldn’t go so far as to call what I heard “the truth.” In fact, my mother would frequently and flippantly say: “Never let the truth interfere with a good story.”

Every experience we had as a family was dissected and compared to how it “matched up” to the family’s pre-conceived beliefs. People were judged and granted inclusion into the family’s circle of friends only if they “fit in” and accepted our family’s values. As our family’s values were a little outside the norm, most of our friends were that way, too.

Some of the narratives I was inculcated in were about so-called immutable characteristics that had never been questioned. Mom couldn’t do math so, to her mind, her daughters couldn’t do math. Mom’s side of the family were all good people. Dad’s side of the family was all bad. Or worse, average. That nothing set them apart or made them special was anathema to my mother and her narrative about our superior values of inclusivity and above-average intellect.

I remember drawn-out conversations in our family circle about the deficiencies of other people in our community. Their stature in conversations rose in tandem with their accomplishments, their success in business, or their adventurousness. But if they were “ordinary” or “house proud” or “unambitious,” the implied message there was something “lesser than” about them. As I grew older and my circle widened with education and travel, I got a sense that our family might have been the subject of such discussions in other families’ conversations.

I marveled at how these rules and “agreements” we made in the family or even those that we make in society develop without any explicit discussion or agreement. They evolve. And the tighter the belief systems, the more rigid the rules. It is a form of survival, to be sure, but can create a life filled with fear and constraints.

Ruiz’s words invite us to question those belief systems into which we were born and see to what extent they are true for us personally. The potential to change our lives lies in our own hands. Doing so may be another matter.

The four agreements are elegant in their simplicity but – as elegant as simplicity is – it is challenging to implement and live by. But doing so is so worth it, as I experienced. I plan to explore each of them.