Tag: healing

Good ‘Ol Chuck Bukowski

This was too good not to share.

(I lasted exactly two whole weeks on my blog publishing break. More, maybe, on that later. I did promise not to overwhelm you…. )

Looks like poet Charles Bukowski said a few years back what I finally came to believe.

The message certainly bears repeating.

So much truth in this poem: death before death, dead-in-spirit.

Or as I once heard it put: “When you grow old and die, dear, how will you know you’re dead?”

Don’t do that. Don’t be that. Save yourself! Save yourself!

In perpetuity if needs be ….

Nobody can save you but

yourself.

you will be put again and again

into nearly impossible

situations.

they will attempt again and again

through subterfuge, guise and

force

to make you submit, quit and /or die quietly

inside.

nobody can save you but

yourself

and it will be easy enough to fail

so very easily

but don’t, don’t, don’t.

just watch them.

listen to them.

do you want to be like that?

a faceless, mindless, heartless

being?

do you want to experience

death before death?

nobody can save you but

yourself

and you’re worth saving.

it’s a war not easily won

but if anything is worth winning then

this is it.

think about it.

think about saving your self.

your spiritual self.

your gut self.

your singing magical self and

your beautiful self.

save it.

don’t join the dead-in-spirit.

maintain your self

with humor and grace

and finally

if necessary

wager your self as you struggle,

damn the odds, damn

the price.

only you can save your

self.

do it! do it!

then you’ll know exactly what

I am talking about.

Charles Bukowski, “Nobody But You” from Sifting Through the Madness for the Word, the Line, the Way, 2002

Even Keel

I would love to feel every day exactly as I do this morning. Calm. Grounded. Mostly untroubled (though I could probably stir things up pretty quickly by glancing at my “to-do” list! So I won’t.)

I am nearing the end of my grieving process for the lost forest behind us. I recognize I have gone through the five stages of grieving made famous by Swiss psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described five common stages of grief, popularly referred to as DABDA. They include:

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

I have gone through nearly all of them. I am transitioning from depression to acceptance. What is happening on that back lot is not within my control. It never was.

I did give the legal route a try and contacted the county powers-that-be and came up with bupkis. Apparently, disrupting a neighbor’s dream and destroying their privacy is not sufficient for a “stop build” order.

So I’ve learned things about grief and the process it wends its way through. Not for the first time.

I’m not sure anyone can adequately prepare themselves for grief. It is one of those things that reads much differently on the page than it feels in real life.

None of us can prepare for the shredding of our reality by the departure of someone or something that matters deeply to us. Whether that is a person, or a pet, or the availability of something or a dream. And yet, we all have – or most certainly will – experience loss.

I have a regular habit I employ now when I expect bad news. I erect a psychological barrier. Bad news coming by mail: don’t open it. Bad news coming by phone: don’t answer it. Bad news at your front door: don’t answer that either.

Not indefinitely, but for as long as it takes to shore up my inner resources and prepare. We are often given the gift of time to prepare with an impending death. It does not necessarily make the actual loss easier. But pre-grieving is a real thing that allows us to imagine what life will be when she/him/it/they are not longer present.

I did it with both of my parents.

Their age and infirmities set me up to begin grieving them long before they left. It did not change how I was with them in the day-to-day. It built an emotional cushion inside me and made space for the inevitable loss. In both deaths, there was grieving but also relief and resolution. In sudden or premature death, that is not always possible.

Processing grief is critical if we are to move on in life. I have a friend who lost her young adult daughter suddenly and violently in a car crash. More than twenty years later, that loss is still the core of her emotional life. It has driven her to an alcoholism and a gambling addiction. She is neither fully engaged nor present in her everyday life.

Leaving the emotional safety of grief can be a terrifying leap of faith. It is a common, if ineffective, way to keep someone’s presence in your life even when they are emphatically gone. When grief has not been processed and integrated, it can screw us up and stunt our growth and healing.

My friend has found comfort and escape in booze and gambling. Not the most healthy response. Her behavior hurts not only her but those around her. Yet there is nothing anyone can do unless she elects to do something differently. That is the responsibility of being an adult.

These past few weeks (months maybe) have been exceedingly difficult. Not only because of the lost forest but other losses and realizations. Though our house move was mostly positive, it has been incredibly taxing. I have learned I am not as strong and energetic as I once was. I am more and more aware of our limited time on the planet.

I have been advised to learn to let go. I once described my self as someone who clung to the mast on a boat (my life) that was shipwrecked and taking on water fast. That worked for a long time though I know how much I missed with my inflexibility and neuroses. No matter. I survived.

I am going in a different direction now and making different choices. And this morning’s mood was an unexpected payoff. Peace actually is possible even in the face of disappointment and loss. Even if it takes awhile to get there.

Damned if I am going to spit in god’s face for the gifts and good things I have in my life by letting loss overwhelm me. God will deal with the perpetrators in time and in his/her own way. Or not.

Good and Evil Basics

I used to be very confused about the difference between good and evil. It became something of an obsession. I tried to make sense of an adult world where there was a lot of saying one thing and doing another.

My mother used to talk about “white lies.” Statements that were somehow meant to “hide unpleasant facts” or “protect someone’s feelings.” It all seemed a little skewed and manipulative to me even as a young girl.

Sometimes it was a case of killing an ant with a sledgehammer. Overkill and unnecessary. Other times, it sure looked like someone (okay, my mother) was covering up some embarrassing lapse.

I am not advocating running around callously telling our complete truth to everyone we meet. That can get downright rude and cruel. And socially isolating. Integrity is based on the quality of your own degree of honesty with yourself.

It is a move away from the “nobody will notice” approach to morality to a perspective of “I will notice.” If we’re lucky, we eventually become our own gauge for standards and accountability. It is one of the key moral transitions we have to make to be fully adult.

So now here we are – full adults. The line between good and evil seems a lot less black and white rather than shades of grey on a continuum. Do I try to find the owner of that $20 I just found in the parking lot? Do I tell Auntie Mae what I think of her new fuchsia hat (with felt flowers) when asked? Do I decline the party invite outright or make up a mealy-mouthed (and dishonest) excuse?

Small challenges in the scheme of things, I realize. But small things have a way of growing into big things. And there is a universal truth about stepping over a forbidden line making it harder to step back into an honorable way of being. In the parlance, it’s called a “slippery slope.”

It is like the tragedy of crack addiction. It is often said one hit and you are on a runaway downhill train. Not starting something is a whole lot easier than quitting something we’ve begun.

On the upside, life does give us the gift of internalization in the maturation process. Once we have adopted and taken in a sense of morality as our own, we don’t think about it much as we go about our daily lives. It is just who we are. That’s a blessing.

The tiny discernments we make between good and evil do little to affect the larger good and evil in the world. But there is one thing that is certain, by being a good example of honesty and decency to yourself, you are not contributing to making things worse.

And you are likely a lot more interesting and pleasant person to be around. At least, compared to the legions of sleazy and lying schmucks out there.

Who Knew Department

This may be something. It may be nothing.

When I find something that makes sense to me, I want to try it and I want to share it. And I will.

So here is something about bay leaves that I never knew. Now I do. And so do you.

Did you know this? I didn’t know either:

Many women add bay leaf to their foods, especially on red meat and wild game meat.

Without knowing the reason for adding bay leaves to food, when you ask a woman why, she tells you: to add taste and flavor to the food.

This is wrong because if you boil bay leaves in a cup of water and taste them, you won’t find any taste .

Why do you put bay leaves on meat?

Adding bay leaves to meat converts triglycerides to less fat to test and confirm this.

Cut one chicken in half and cook each half in a pot, put one bay leaf and the second without the bay leaf, and note the amount of fat in the two pots.

Helps to get rid of many health problems and dangerous diseases

Among the benefits of bay leaf:

Bay leaf cures digestive disorders and bay leaf helps to get rid of bloating.

Heartburn.

Acidity.

Constipation.

Antibiotic.

Anti-parasitic.

Digestivo.

Stimulators.

Sedative.

Regulate bowel movement by drinking hot tea.

It lowers blood sugar and bay leaf is an antioxidant.

It allows the body to produce insulin by eating it in food or drinking bay tea for a month.

Eliminates harmful cholesterol and frees the body of triglycerides.

It is very useful in treating colds, flu and severe cough, because it is a rich source of vitamin C. You can boil the leaves and inhale the steam to eliminate the cough and reduce the severity of the cough.

Bay leaf protects the heart from attacks and also protects against strokes because it contains compounds that protect the heart and blood vessels.

Rich in acids such as caffeic acid, quercetin, egonol and parthenolids, which are substances that prevent cancer cells from forming in the body.

Eliminates insomnia and anxiety if taken before bed, and helps you relax and sleep peacefully.

Drinking a cup of boiled bay twice a day melts kidney stones and cures infections.

Found Them

I am beyond relieved to have found the forty or so old journals that I feared were gone forever.

Decades worth of pages and pages worth of writing. Those journals were my ballast and my mast. I clung to them for the life-sustaining exercise they rendered. They have my deepest gratitude.

They weren’t stored in the “usual places.” Given their importance to me, I was pretty sure I’d tucked them comfortably away in a nice dry spot where I could put my finger on them any time I wanted. Wrong.

I’m a little embarrassed to admit I found them in the back of the shipping container I just recently offloaded. I have no idea how that happened. It was a very careless way to handle something so important. Sadly, it wouldn’t be the first time.

Trauma dulls discernment. I used to write about the aftereffects of trauma as having “broken antennae.” All of the natural instincts about sensing evil and avoiding danger get crushed and messed up in the aftermath of trauma.

I think that is some type of exaggerated survival instinct. Even when you are undergoing the worst trauma imaginable, there is a part of you – a very large part – that wants to survive. And is usually determined to survive. Sometimes that survival instinct is all that is left after serious insult or injury.

Trauma survivors become like something similar to a vase with a beautiful external presentation, but its’ insides are empty and hollow. I lived like that for most of my adult life.

Writing was my salvation. I felt almost nothing but fear for many years but I wrote up a storm. I was a casual and frequent observer of the turmoil I was going through externally and internally.

Writing was a lifeline. I couldn’t control anything or anyone around me but I could control my thoughts and put them down in nice, neat lines. I am grateful for that.

Now will I ever read said journals? Heaven only knows. I fear them a bit if I’m honest. There are bits of me and my fragmented life in there that I’m not crazy about revisiting. So I’ll pick my way through them and ingest them bit by bit. On an as-needed basis.

This house purge is the bigger healing focus in my life at the minute. I am beginning to feel what every single person who has ever gone through downsizing says: “I feel so much lighter.”

If, as some authors claim, I will let go of unwanted pounds along with letting go of unwanted clutter, I am going to be rail thin by them time this purging exercise is over.

That’s not a terrible prospect to look forward to.

What I Said

I was your age, maybe younger, when I started hitting brick walls. Those brick walls were largely my own creation. It took me time to see and admit that.

My parents were no help. In retrospect, and even during my greatest struggles, I wondered how they might have helped me. If they had been so inclined. I know for sure that completely ignoring I had any legitimate or addressable emotional problems was not helpful at all.

This is what I thought they might have done. I thought it would help if they acknowledged they could see I was confused and suffering. I acknowledge that you are confused and suffering.

I also would have found it helpful if they acknowledged they could see through my “grown up” act to the struggling little child I still was within. I see that you are still a hurting and struggling child. Acting all grown up. 

It would have been helpful for me to have one of them say that they would be there for me and would stand by me as I resolved to solve my internal turmoil.

It was poet Alden Nowlan who said: “The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.”

You are still some distance from adulthood and I grieve that. I also grieve that you carry and disperse so much anger and vitriol to people who love you. 

My mom once said of me that she “loved” me but she didn’t like me much. Truth was, I didn’t much like myself.

I extend my hand if you want to seek help for whatever it is that is going on in you. I learned that the longer we ignore the source of our distress, the bigger it becomes and harder it is to resolve. 

I know you have great ambition but I also know they are unachievable or will quickly fall apart when you are tested (as you will inevitably be) with your level of  emotional turmoil and anger. The world won’t tolerate it. They didn’t tolerate it from me. I know that from hard experience.

I’m here for support if you want to make an honest effort at healing your wounds and repairing your relationships. It is easy to look a gift horse in the mouth until it is too late or ends in disaster. I hope that is not what awaits you. 

What I know now for sure is that I am not the sole source of your grievances and troubled soul. I am just another scapegoat whom you choose to blame. What I had to eventually learn – the hard way – was that I was the common denominator in my fractured life and relationships.

You may find yourself scared or uncertain by times now. Just wait until your emotional bank account is empty and all of your support has fallen or been pushed away and you are left to manage everything all on your own.

That will be a very hard day indeed. Whether I am still on the planet or not.

As always, your choice. 

Wow AI

I would never publish something that is not original and written by me personally unless I tell you first. So I am telling you. I am a little shaken by the origin of this post. I asked ChatGPT for a three-minute article on the healing power of fairy tales to address past trauma. I have a lot of strong opinions on this based on my own personal experience, myth stories, Jungian psychology, and the repetitive and universal themes that fairy tales touch on. But holy heck.

What follows below is the result of a query ChatGPT produced in well under a minute. If there is any comfort to be taken from this alien’s ability, it is that if writers use it, they will at least have to read it before they publish it. I did. But wow. This is one slippery slope, especially for those who are not as ethically constrained as others. What may be worse is that there is nothing in this text I can disagree or take issue with. I would have been funnier though. I’m hanging on to that.

Take it away, ChatGPT…

Title: Harnessing the Magic of Fairy Tales to Heal Past Trauma

Introduction: Life is a journey filled with joyous moments, but it can also bring forth painful experiences that leave lasting scars on our hearts and minds. Healing from trauma is a complex process, and there are numerous therapeutic approaches available to support individuals on their path to recovery. One surprisingly powerful tool for healing is the enchanting world of fairy tales. These timeless stories, with their magical landscapes and archetypal characters, have the remarkable ability to provide solace, understanding, and empowerment as we navigate the difficult terrain of our past traumas.

Unleashing Imagination and Symbolism: Fairy tales have captivated our imaginations for centuries, weaving tales of heroes, heroines, monsters, and mystical beings. These fantastical narratives often mirror the struggles we face in our own lives but in a metaphorical and symbolic way. By immersing ourselves in these tales, we gain a fresh perspective on our traumas, viewing them through the lens of fiction. This distancing effect can be remarkably therapeutic, allowing us to explore our pain from a safe and detached space.

Identification and Validation: Within fairy tales, we encounter characters who embark on transformative journeys, facing adversity and triumphing over challenges. By identifying with these characters, we find solace and validation for our own struggles. Seeing how they navigate their trials and emerge stronger, we realize that we too possess the inner strength to overcome our past traumas. Fairy tales provide a sense of shared humanity, reminding us that we are not alone in our pain and that healing is possible.

Symbolic Resolutions and Catharsis: Fairy tales often offer symbolic resolutions, where the characters find closure and transformation. These resolutions can offer us a sense of catharsis as we witness the characters’ triumphs and discover parallel pathways for our own healing. Through the symbolic elements, we can explore and process our emotions, fears, and desires in a way that feels safe and non-threatening. The magical elements of the tales create a space where we can reimagine our own narratives and rewrite the endings to better suit our healing journey.

Empowerment and Resilience: Fairy tales are not mere escapism; they are vehicles for empowerment and resilience. These stories inspire us to believe in the power of hope, love, and courage. As we internalize the lessons learned from fairy tales, we begin to cultivate a stronger belief in our own abilities and resilience. We recognize that even in the face of adversity, we have the capacity to rise above our traumas and create a brighter future.

Conclusion: The healing potential of fairy tales is a testament to the enduring power of storytelling. By delving into these magical realms, we gain insight, validation, and strength to confront and heal from past traumas. Fairy tales provide a sanctuary for our wounded selves, where we can reimagine our narratives and find solace in shared experiences. So, let us not underestimate the transformative magic of fairy tales and embrace their enchanting power as we embark on our healing journey.

Ed. Note: Just wow.

A Healing Path

A young lady named Nicole recently asked me a simple question in an online forum I belong to: “What is a healing path?

That question gave me pause. I hadn’t heard the question put so simply before. So this is what I told her.

“My healing path started in earnest when I hit the proverbial brick wall. Everything I believed about my mother’s “love” for me was shattered when she went to bat for my husband in the wake of our divorce.

I went through what is best described as a “dark night of the soul” as I tried to make sense of her betrayal. I was in a very dark place for many years. I was living in an emotional and spiritual shitestorm.

My personal life was a mess. Recently released from my job contract. A new baby was on the way. Marriage breaking down. Mother’s defection.

I sought out a therapist at that time because I simply had no one else to turn to. I could not make rational sense of the many mistakes I had made and was making. I tried to drink away the pain. That stopped working long before I finally quit drinking for good.

My mother’s explanation for my acting out was that I was – possibly – a ” bad seed.” She skilfully omitted the neglect and abuse I experienced in my childhood in her summation of me. The bad things in our childhood were never discussed. It enraged her on the occasions when I tried to bring it up.

My next steps toward healing were because I desperately needed to protect my son. I had previously sought out counselors from time to time before but with the presence of my son on the planet, I was incentivized. There was nothing easy about making the choice to heal and get healthy. Nothing.

When I first started to confront my past and upbringing, everything got progressively worse before it got better. I clung to the belief that life would eventually change and improve. It took a lot of sheer faith to just keep going.

I was driven by my love for my son and the need to create a better, saner life for him. That was the carrot that kept me going. I recognized in those awful early days of my infant son’s life that if I went under, he would go under, too. It was sometime around then that I took full responsibility for my life.

Today I am comfortably estranged from my family of origin. They were not helpful to me and completely devoted to my mother and her narrative.

I realized the decision to create my own life and work through my pain was up to me and me alone. That totally sucked. But it has finally paid off in a certain peace of mind and internal calm that greets me every morning. I stopped drinking almost 23 years ago after several failed earlier attempts.

I am in no way suggesting that my healing path is or should be everyone’s path. But here are some questions to ask yourself to light a fire under the choice to embark on a healing path.

Am I happy with myself and where I am in my life? If not, why not? What’s in the way or holding me back from being happy? Are there patterns I can identify in myself that keep me unhappy? Am I comfortable in my own skin? This is hardly a comprehensive answer.

This is only an anecdote about one person’s path. You know you are on a healing path when you start acting every day in your own interests. Your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are progressively more in alignment with your core beliefs, wishes, desires, and goals. When this is happening, you know you are moving closer to yourself which is the ultimate goal of healing.

I don’t know if this answer is at all helpful. It is a profoundly personal journey. But good on you for asking the question. Ask others. Keep seeking. Failure is a given only when we stop moving forward.

Being confused about where you are heading on a healing path is not failure. Confusion is a legitimate place and an integral part of transitioning to a healthier way of living.

Good luck to you and I hope you do pick the healing path. Not everyone does. It requires a considerable amount of emotional heavy lifting and for quite a long time.

You may one day discover the healthier you are, the better role model and inspiration you can be for others in the world you live in. You can be a better friend, a better parent, and a better champion of your own good self. In short, a better human being. I hope this was of some use to you, Nicole, and wish you well if you elect to set out on your own healing path. It is so worth it.” 

Aim For Fulfillment

My life has been focused on healing and transformation. I have worked to turn a dealt hand of lemons into lemonade. When I stumble across advice that sums up what I believe, I want to share it. This was written and published by a psychiatrist in The Washington Post. I love the distinction he makes between happiness and fulfillment.

Happiness is fleeting. Aim for fulfillment. It can be achieved when you accept who you are, make the most of what you have, and are optimistic about the future – Advice by Gregory Scott Brown, a psychiatrist, mental health writer, and author of “The Self-Healing Mind: An Essential Five-Step Practice for Overcoming Anxiety and Depression, and Revitalizing Your Life.”

I recently met with a patient, a man in his late 40s with a soft smile. Minutes into our first session, I learned that his biggest fear was that decades later, he would look back and realize that he had spent his entire life — as he put it — “being sad.”

“What are you hoping to get from our time together?” I asked. “I just want to be happy,” he responded.

As a psychiatrist, I think about happiness and how to achieve it. And thousands of conversations with patients who are chasing happiness have taught me that it can be a distraction from what’s really necessary for a better life — fulfillment.

Happiness is fleeting

Patients often come to see me when they are unhappy with their work or personal life. Many see a period of time in their life, such as the day they got married or when they graduated from college, as their template for happiness.

“If I could just feel that way again, I would be happy,” they tell me.

The problem with this approach is that happiness is an emotion, not a state of being. Emotions such as happiness and sadness aren’t supposed to last. They come and go.

Seeking happiness as the ultimate goal is like running after a moving target. And we may feel even more depressed or anxious because we are setting unrealistic expectations about what is achievable.

Fulfillment is a state of being

Unlike happiness, fulfillment is a state of being. It is achieved when you accept who you are, make the most of what you have, and are optimistic about the future.

I learned this lesson as a psychiatry resident almost 10 years ago. As I witnessed patients die, I noticed that despite age or diagnosis, some seemed to be more at peace than others. I wanted to understand how some people in their final weeks could still be okay.

Fulfillment seemed to be the answer. Patients who were fulfilled could reflect fondly on their life and relationships, have gratitude (sometimes that just meant being grateful for having a few hours without physical pain) and remain optimistic (in some cases, in the promise of an afterlife).

Now, I often ask my patients to “imagine life better” and describe what their fulfilled life might look like. Usually, they realize that it’s a life that is attainable.

One of my patients, a woman in her late 50s, came to see me after going through a difficult divorce. Eventually, she found fulfillment — even amid a difficult transition — by focusing on what she was grateful for, such as her three adult children. She took up new hobbies and rekindled old friendships, which gave her hope for the future.

You, too, can begin to cultivate your life in a way that draws you closer to fulfillment, with a few changes.

Don’t overreact to highs or lows

People who are fulfilled don’t overreact to emotional highs or lows. They are able to appreciate that just as the seasons come and go, so do our emotions.

I recommend the HALT model to my patients as a way to avoid allowing their feelings to get the best of them.

Ask yourself: Am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired?

If you are any or many of those things, here are steps you can take.

  • Eat a nourishing meal.
  • Step away from the situation that’s causing stress, if you can.
  • Practice 4-7-8 breathing: Inhale for four seconds, hold for seven seconds, and exhale for eight seconds.
  • Go for a 10-minute walk.
  • Write down three things that you’re grateful for.
  • Talk to a friend.
  • Do things that make you feel relaxed.
Learn to adapt

Life rarely turns out exactly as we plan, and learning to adapt is a superpower for your mental health.

Adapting doesn’t mean giving up your hopes, dreams or intentions. Instead, it involves making the most of what you have right now, so you can stay focused on creating the life you want.

Some researchers have developed a test for AQ (adaptability quotient) similar to IQ that gauges how adaptable you are.

If you aren’t as adaptable as you’d like, you can start by asking yourself: How willing am I to change, to learn or to make mistakes?

Adapting may require unlearning old habits so you can develop new, more helpful habits. I challenge you to approach your life with curiosity before judgment. You may learn valuable lessons about yourself and the people around you.

How to build relationships

Friends are essential to a healthy life — and they are just as important for our well-being as healthy eating habits or a good night’s sleep. Friends, though, don’t just appear out of thin air, an expert said. Here’s her advice for making new connections and maintaining the old ones.

You may have lost touch with friends during the pandemic and may be eager to reconnect. If you want to maintain the level of effortlessness you had before, here is advice from friendship experts on how to optimize these relationships.

Children who develop supportive, trusting friendships with others their age are more likely to become healthy, happy, and professionally successful adults, studies show. Adults can help foster teen friendships.

Develop meaningful relationships

The Harvard Study of Adult Development showed that quality relationships are important for well-being. This comes at a time when loneliness feels like it’s more common than ever.

Consider your relationships not only an investment in your mental health but also an opportunity to bring you closer to fulfillment. Common interest meetups, group therapy, and religious organizations are great ways to form meaningful connections.

When you meet someone new, ask them how they’re doing and actively listen by affirming your understanding of what they told you. It’s an easy first step in planting the seeds for a long-lasting friendship.

Try not to regret

We all have aspects of our past we would change if we could, but living with regret isn’t helpful for mental health. One study shows that people who are fulfilled choose not to live with deep regret.

This means accepting that although you can’t change your past, you can change the way you think about it.

Ask yourself what lessons you have learned from past experiences. These lessons can teach you how to avoid the same mistakes. In some cases, living without regret can allow you to find gratitude for those lessons.

Many of us could use more happiness in our lives, but as psychiatrist and author Victor Frankl wrote, “Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.”

Instead of searching for happiness, shift your attention toward finding fulfillment. It may bring you closer to living a better life and experiencing more happiness along the way.

Traction

Traction and where to reliably find it nowadays is much on my mind. In a world awash in information, blog posts, videos, video reels, and ad infinitum, how do we make the best and most informed choices now? Everyone has an opinion. they swear is the right one to follow. Everyone presents as an expert on something.

What should we read? What to listen to? What sources can we trust? Where do we find time to do anything, above and beyond what HAS to be done daily? How do we identify our gifts and what we are passionate enough about to invest our lives in? Even worse, how do we decide what is real and reliable?

This is not an exclusive problem for us in society today. But the complexity has definitely been ramped up. Ease of access to seemingly endless options on the internet seems to create illusions and false impressions. If everyone is led to believe they can (and should) become a millionaire before they are 30, it is frustrating and could be soul-crushing if you don’t reach that target milestone. It has the potential to imbue young people with a feeling of dissatisfaction about missing the boat. Widespread FOMO.

“Fear of missing out” is a real issue for many younger people and even mid-career professionals. They are putting off marriage and house buying and baby-making in greater numbers than their parents and grandparents. There is a burgeoning revival of all things retro. There is increasing comfort in looking backward rather than looking forward. Not because life is perceived to have been so great in the past, but because it is now so difficult to imagine what can be relied on in the future.

Teenage suicide is occurring at an alarmingly high level. Teenagers! Once marked by largely carefree days under their parents’ wing, it was expected to be a time devoted to seeding dreams, testing out love and sexuality, and taking part in the normal rites of passage in the childhood to adulthood transition. That so many precious young people are opting to get off the merry-go-round of life before it even starts should be an alarming wake-up call that our values are wildly out of whack.

I often wonder how character is being built in young people today. Our great-grandparents cut their teeth on life’s harshest realities. The need to survive trumped most other considerations. Our ancestors knew that if the cows weren’t milked, the eggs collected or the fields tilled, they weren’t eating. Back-breaking work to be sure but also the satisfaction of knowing that your fate largely rested in your own hands and on your own efforts.

In smaller, rural societies, everyone knew everyone else. There was a sense of belonging and community. And not online communities. But real communities with real people who baked real apple pies and built things with their own hands and met up in a sanctuary every week, for social reasons as much as for spiritual ones. I would argue the two are inextricably connected anyway.

I would argue that our social policies need to recapture the most positive elements of those times. Humans need each other. Somehow that message is being lost in the wake of new technological promise, widespread social fragmentation, and the breakdown of social cohesion.

Young people need to be protected and nurtured until they are strong enough to grow and survive on their own. They need a base on which to build and find the traction they need to propel them forward into their lives. Mass killings and rising suicide rates are dark proof that young people are being widely failed in that regard.

The pendulum of extremes in most eras eventually swings back to a more balanced and reasonable life-enhancing way of doing life. In today’s wildly fragmented environment, it is hard to see how a newly emerging society will find time to gestate and emerge with so many options to choose from. Social cohesion has largely evaporated.

Yet time and space for self-reflection and inner exploration are badly needed on a wide scale. That need makes sense of the abundant and divergent offerings of healing retreats and therapies. We all know we need help.

The availability of healing options is more a band-aid than a cure. Our society needs to move back to putting individuals at the center of our society again. Survival instincts must kick in as people feel the essence of what makes them human being eroded.

It may be time for a resurgence of the famous line that became a war cry for humanity in the 1976 movie Network. “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore.” Maybe when that war cry is expressed by enough people across society again, there could be a genuine shift towards leading a more collectively saner and equanimous life.