The second agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz’s book is Don’t Take Anything Personally.
I love this. Of the four agreements, this one taught me the most and armed me with a healthier strategy for how to interact with the world. The trouble in taking others’ words personally, one forms an agreement with those words, and they influence one’s beliefs and actions. We all do it. Think about how you can ruminate pointlessly over a nasty remark from a complete stranger you encounter during the day.
Ruiz says we shouldn’t even take the voices in our own heads personally. Tuning in to conflicting thoughts and opinions leads to confusion and chaos if we take them seriously and act on them. By letting go of the impact the random opinion others have on us and our own inherent need to be right, we can move toward a greater sense of happiness and freedom.
I’ve certainly been called some things in my time. Haven’t we all? I have an unsmall personality and I am not particularly shy or retiring. My “extraversion” (code for not knowing when to keep my mouth shut) has broken barriers in my life and broken relationships.
I am human and I have withered under an angry verbal barrage from time to time. Most especially, of course, from my mother. Who knows you better after all? But also from frustrated friends or colleagues or even complete strangers. The learning I took from Ruiz’s second agreement was that what was directed at me wasn’t necessarily about me.
On the other hand, I have also had extremely flattering and complimentary opinions said and written about me. The “truth” of who I am is somewhere in the middle. I know now that by analyzing my own beliefs – true and false – and coming to a sense of self that is comfortable for me, I have become someone I am happy to wake up with every morning.
Ruiz ties the logic behind this second agreement to ego. The fact is, individually, we are just not that important. We are all replaceable. We are all disposable. I did not like learning that. More important that realization threw my sense of who I was and what was important in life into chaos.
I look back now with a little compassion and a lot of humor at how self-important I thought I was. I muscled my way into situations to make sure people were aware of my importance. I sought out awards, situations, and job positions that rewarded and reinforced my inflated sense of self. I take some comfort in that I was not alone on this approach in my generation of women. I would even say that for a time as a young person trying to establish herself, it may have been necessary.
That strategy was a total cover for how insecure and little I felt. Also, it was simply absurd. Sure, I had some marketable qualities but the life I was living was something of a sham. I was a mess and living a double life where my resume expanded as my personal life imploded. Emotional hamburger internally is how I described it. I knew “something” wasn’t “right” but had no idea what to do about it.
I was operating in a world where options that are now commonplace were nonexistent or stigmatized. Therapy? For the wealthy neurotic New York intelligentsia set. Personal problems? They are all defects of characters or because God has not chosen to bless you. Trauma? You’re talking about shell-shocked war veterans, right? Well, yes, but sexual assault and being bullied is traumatizing, too. As is living with an addict (or addicts in my case), witnessing physical violence, divorce, neglect, suicidal ideation, and all the other elements of a profoundly dysfunctional home life.
It is not a perfect science. Life is never easy. But it is infinitely better than my beginnings would have suggested it could be. Ruiz clarified and laid out more clearly what I should and should not be responsible for. Losing my sense of personal importance turned out to be more gift than a loss. It allows me to listen respectfully to what others say, internalize the good bits and spit out the bad.
It also makes me a more genuine part of humanity than someone who is “better or less than” others. Both self-perceptions are delusional. Learning that was among the most important lessons I’ve had. I am still reminded of it frequently.
Expressive Compulsive 