The third of Don Miguel Ruiz’s agreements is: Don’t Make Assumptions
This agreement did not just speak to me. It shrieked at me.
Most people have heard the colloquial advice about assumptions. “Never assume. It makes an “ass” out of “u” and out of “me.”
Assumptions are dangerous because if an individual believes an assumption is true—then they think and act accordingly. Relationships based on assumptions are more likely to end and end badly. Assumptions cause unnecessary drama and suffering. Communicating clearly and asking questions is key to avoiding assumptions and living happily.
In the culture I came from, assumptions were rampant. I would even go so far as to say it was the norm. Blind assumptions were the way it was in my family of origin. Even more so in the bureaucracy, that I worked in for a time. Power dynamics and informational sleight-of-hand were the bread and butter of seasoned bureaucrats. They hoarded knowledge like squirrels hoard nuts to hang on to their power and position.
Digging deep to really understand an issue or problem was not common in government for reasons of time, resources, or politics. Politics is the realm of the “quick win” where “perception is reality.” People’s fortunes within the bureaucratic structure rose and fell with their ability to “second-guess” their bosses and meet their needs before the needs were even expressed. And primarily, of course, to cover your ass.
This system worked to ensure career longevity for many people. I met people who had no real transferable job skills beyond their ability to “play the system.” Long-timers came to understand what every new Cabinet Minister needed and poured their efforts into meeting them. That approach did little to allow time to dig deep and devise comprehensive solutions to complex social issues. Bureaucrats’ shelves were littered with the detritus of “policy directions,” “briefing books,” “feasibility studies,” and “position papers.” The safest position was to appear to be doing something while doing nothing at all. Now that is artful.
Operating on assumptions was rife in my family. After the fact, I would hear about tearful sessions behind closed doors after something that someone had unthinkingly said or done was deemed “insensitive.” The rationale for this runs along the lines of “If you really loved me, you would know what I need (and what hurts me) without me having to say it.” Lovers often do the same. As if loving someone automatically conveys psychic powers and mind-reading abilities.
There is cowardice in making assumptions and a type of wilful ignorance. I watched this regularly in the small town I came from. Whole groups of people would make assumptions about someone and then conduct themselves in accordance with what they assumed. The protagonist was rarely consulted for an explanation or clarification. I often heard someone described as having said or done something egregious. When I elected to check it out with the transgressor, I often learned that the person had not said or done any such thing. If they had, their true intentions had been completely misconstrued.
I am reminded of the fable of putting the bell on the cat. Overconfident, self-important little mice devise the solution to put a bell on the cat’s collar to warn of the enemy cat’s approach. The only issue is “Who will put the bell on the cat?” When people live in an environment of powerlessness, talking about solutions is a way of achieving social cohesion without actually taking steps or being able to do anything about it.
I often experienced this in my journalism career. I was often able to get “ungettable” interviews just by making a phone call to someone that everyone “assumed” would not talk to the press. I had a few phones hung up on me, to be sure. But I was often pleasantly surprised by those who wanted to talk. To get their side of the story on the record.
Assumptions can create a host of false barriers and hurt feelings between people. Rather pointless and self-defeating actually. But then, cowardice can make fools of us all.
Expressive Compulsive 