Tag: Don Miguel Ruiz

The Four Agreements: 4/4

The fourth agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz’s book is Always Do Your Best.

I shoulda-coulda-woulda learned this lesson much earlier. My inflated ego made constant judgments about the level of job I was in, my academic ranking compared to my peers, and my general circumstances. There were two negative consequences to that faulty thinking.

First, I couldn’t fully relax and enjoy the job experience I was having. Even though I didn’t have a clear idea of what level I should be at, I was convinced the current level was insufficient. For my ego. Never mind that I was an inexperienced kid who was at exactly the right place for her age and stage. I didn’t have the internal psychological framework to assure me that where I was was just fine. For now.

Second was the truth that by feeling somehow superior, I didn’t always do the best job I could. I was, by times, baselessly argumentative and demanding, and difficult. With my coworkers and with my bosses. I had some notion that I was “above” what I was doing. Today, I feel considerable shame and humility for that bratty attitude. It put people off (especially employers) and I had a hard time fitting into the work crowd.

There are a raft of things I could say to contextualize my situation. I was a traumatized child. I often came to work hungover in my twenties in the heydays of my hard drinking. I once showed up drunk in the morning at my TV job still drunk from partying the night before. Add “actress” to my job resume right next to “on-air reporter.” I hadn’t yet heard the term “personal work,” let alone begun to do it to wrestle my demons into submission.

Ruiz says that always doing one’s best helps turn the first three agreements into habits. If we internalize and follow the habits of taking nothing personally, being as honest and clear as possible with our word, and making no assumptions without verification, our best is a natural byproduct.

One’s “best” effort will change depending on the situation, but no one needs to feel guilty about that. In any situation, there are many factors working with or on us that we cannot control. But always doing one’s best builds immunity to guilt and judgment and self-recrimination. In effect, Ruiz’s four agreements are a prescription for taking personal responsibility.

Learning that lesson matures us as we let go of the youthful tendency to blame our parents and other external circumstances, such as money or culture, or religion. or race, for our misery and difficulties. The only way out is through. By doing our best, we can look back with pride and satisfaction on the wake we have left in our life.

In what looks like a nod to the philosophy of “pursuing your bliss,” Ruiz adds that one should not act exclusively for rewards in life but because one is doing what one wants to. Rewards will naturally follow.

I’ve always liked the saying: “Find work that you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Still good advice.

The Four Agreements: 3/4

The third of Don Miguel Ruiz’s agreements is: Don’t Make Assumptions

This agreement did not just speak to me. It shrieked at me.

Most people have heard the colloquial advice about assumptions. “Never assume. It makes an “ass” out of “u” and out of “me.”

Assumptions are dangerous because if an individual believes an assumption is true—then they think and act accordingly. Relationships based on assumptions are more likely to end and end badly. Assumptions cause unnecessary drama and suffering. Communicating clearly and asking questions is key to avoiding assumptions and living happily.

In the culture I came from, assumptions were rampant. I would even go so far as to say it was the norm. Blind assumptions were the way it was in my family of origin. Even more so in the bureaucracy, that I worked in for a time. Power dynamics and informational sleight-of-hand were the bread and butter of seasoned bureaucrats. They hoarded knowledge like squirrels hoard nuts to hang on to their power and position.

Digging deep to really understand an issue or problem was not common in government for reasons of time, resources, or politics. Politics is the realm of the “quick win” where “perception is reality.” People’s fortunes within the bureaucratic structure rose and fell with their ability to “second-guess” their bosses and meet their needs before the needs were even expressed. And primarily, of course, to cover your ass.

This system worked to ensure career longevity for many people. I met people who had no real transferable job skills beyond their ability to “play the system.” Long-timers came to understand what every new Cabinet Minister needed and poured their efforts into meeting them. That approach did little to allow time to dig deep and devise comprehensive solutions to complex social issues. Bureaucrats’ shelves were littered with the detritus of “policy directions,” “briefing books,” “feasibility studies,” and “position papers.” The safest position was to appear to be doing something while doing nothing at all. Now that is artful.

Operating on assumptions was rife in my family. After the fact, I would hear about tearful sessions behind closed doors after something that someone had unthinkingly said or done was deemed “insensitive.” The rationale for this runs along the lines of “If you really loved me, you would know what I need (and what hurts me) without me having to say it.” Lovers often do the same. As if loving someone automatically conveys psychic powers and mind-reading abilities.

There is cowardice in making assumptions and a type of wilful ignorance. I watched this regularly in the small town I came from. Whole groups of people would make assumptions about someone and then conduct themselves in accordance with what they assumed. The protagonist was rarely consulted for an explanation or clarification. I often heard someone described as having said or done something egregious. When I elected to check it out with the transgressor, I often learned that the person had not said or done any such thing. If they had, their true intentions had been completely misconstrued.

I am reminded of the fable of putting the bell on the cat. Overconfident, self-important little mice devise the solution to put a bell on the cat’s collar to warn of the enemy cat’s approach. The only issue is “Who will put the bell on the cat?” When people live in an environment of powerlessness, talking about solutions is a way of achieving social cohesion without actually taking steps or being able to do anything about it.

I often experienced this in my journalism career. I was often able to get “ungettable” interviews just by making a phone call to someone that everyone “assumed” would not talk to the press. I had a few phones hung up on me, to be sure. But I was often pleasantly surprised by those who wanted to talk. To get their side of the story on the record.

Assumptions can create a host of false barriers and hurt feelings between people. Rather pointless and self-defeating actually. But then, cowardice can make fools of us all.

The Four Agreements: 2/4

The second agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz’s book is Don’t Take Anything Personally.

I love this. Of the four agreements, this one taught me the most and armed me with a healthier strategy for how to interact with the world. The trouble in taking others’ words personally, one forms an agreement with those words, and they influence one’s beliefs and actions. We all do it. Think about how you can ruminate pointlessly over a nasty remark from a complete stranger you encounter during the day.

Ruiz says we shouldn’t even take the voices in our own heads personally. Tuning in to conflicting thoughts and opinions leads to confusion and chaos if we take them seriously and act on them. By letting go of the impact the random opinion others have on us and our own inherent need to be right, we can move toward a greater sense of happiness and freedom.

I’ve certainly been called some things in my time. Haven’t we all? I have an unsmall personality and I am not particularly shy or retiring. My “extraversion” (code for not knowing when to keep my mouth shut) has broken barriers in my life and broken relationships.

I am human and I have withered under an angry verbal barrage from time to time. Most especially, of course, from my mother. Who knows you better after all? But also from frustrated friends or colleagues or even complete strangers. The learning I took from Ruiz’s second agreement was that what was directed at me wasn’t necessarily about me.

On the other hand, I have also had extremely flattering and complimentary opinions said and written about me. The “truth” of who I am is somewhere in the middle. I know now that by analyzing my own beliefs – true and false – and coming to a sense of self that is comfortable for me, I have become someone I am happy to wake up with every morning.

Ruiz ties the logic behind this second agreement to ego. The fact is, individually, we are just not that important. We are all replaceable. We are all disposable. I did not like learning that. More important that realization threw my sense of who I was and what was important in life into chaos.

I look back now with a little compassion and a lot of humor at how self-important I thought I was. I muscled my way into situations to make sure people were aware of my importance. I sought out awards, situations, and job positions that rewarded and reinforced my inflated sense of self. I take some comfort in that I was not alone on this approach in my generation of women. I would even say that for a time as a young person trying to establish herself, it may have been necessary.

That strategy was a total cover for how insecure and little I felt. Also, it was simply absurd. Sure, I had some marketable qualities but the life I was living was something of a sham. I was a mess and living a double life where my resume expanded as my personal life imploded. Emotional hamburger internally is how I described it. I knew “something” wasn’t “right” but had no idea what to do about it.

I was operating in a world where options that are now commonplace were nonexistent or stigmatized. Therapy? For the wealthy neurotic New York intelligentsia set. Personal problems? They are all defects of characters or because God has not chosen to bless you. Trauma? You’re talking about shell-shocked war veterans, right? Well, yes, but sexual assault and being bullied is traumatizing, too. As is living with an addict (or addicts in my case), witnessing physical violence, divorce, neglect, suicidal ideation, and all the other elements of a profoundly dysfunctional home life.

It is not a perfect science. Life is never easy. But it is infinitely better than my beginnings would have suggested it could be. Ruiz clarified and laid out more clearly what I should and should not be responsible for. Losing my sense of personal importance turned out to be more gift than a loss. It allows me to listen respectfully to what others say, internalize the good bits and spit out the bad.

It also makes me a more genuine part of humanity than someone who is “better or less than” others. Both self-perceptions are delusional. Learning that was among the most important lessons I’ve had. I am still reminded of it frequently.

The Four Agreements: 1/4

The first agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz’s book is: Be Impeccable with Your Word

So many people aren’t. Lying is commonplace and accepted these days. Expected even. People “exaggerate for effect” and “tell white lies” to gloss over deficiencies in themselves or some product they are selling. Politicians are among the least trusted professionals on the planet. The whole smarmy George Santos fiasco (is he gone yet?) took the falsification of credentials to despicable new heights.

Ruiz examines the power of the word, how it’s misunderstood, and how most people use it to spread emotional poison. Being impeccable with one’s word means taking responsibility for their own integrity. But he advises against judging or blaming oneself when we fall short. Life is a marathon after all, not a sprint.

Following this agreement faithfully, Ruiz claims clears emotional poison from one’s life by building immunity to the negative words of others, leading eventually to a place of peace and joy. Being honest and truthful can also neutralize emotional poison in oneself by saying only what is true for us – to ourselves and to others.

I don’t know about you, but I hate hurting people. I had been badly hurt in the past by words and the bad behavior that accompanied them. I know how that pain feels and don’t want to inflict it on others. For the longest time, I had no sense of my personal power so had no sense of how my words were taken by other people. Especially those close to me. In my youth, I said the words “I love you” too often and too casually, without considering their impact.

Worse, I had no clear concept of what “Love” actually meant. The recipient wasn’t getting much value from my declaration, to begin with. But neither I nor they realized how flakey my words were until it was too late. They became emotionally involved with me as one might expectedly do when they believe someone loves them.

If I eventually withdrew my “love,” (attention, support, time, benefits), both me and my erstwhile “lover” suffered. They suffered for the loss of someone they had come to believe loved them. I suffered for having spoken important words without full respect for another’s feelings.

There was a time when words were so respected in society that “a man’s word was his bond.” Contracts were made on a handshake after a discussion where terms were mutually agreed. Was that a perfect system? By no means. But it does speak to a time when words were valued more highly than they are now? It does.

Contracts are a lawyer’s mainstay and an anchor for the involved parties to cling to when dealings go awry. But even the most well-written contract provisions can be woefully inadequate to the business at hand. In family law, court orders can do more harm than good. A judge may order a mother and father to “co-parent.” But if they have what it takes to do that successfully, they likely could have made the marriage work.

So much which is sacred has been cheapened and derogated. Sexuality. Spirituality. Life itself. And even words. I have come to see words as delicate threads like spiderwebs that keep us attached to each other within our communities. But spiderwebs are very easy to destroy. So we live in a world where cynicism and pessimism rule. We expect people to lie to us. We expect them to let us down.

Ruiz shows us that we don’t have to do that. We can train ourselves to only say what we believe to be true. We can suppress words we don’t feel will help someone. We can keep our thoughts and opinions to ourselves until they are solicited. That may be easier said than done. But I can say from personal experience, that doing so leaves a lot less hurt feelings in your wake and gives you a lot less to regret in your life. For those reasons alone, it has been an “agreement” I have happily tried to pursue.

The Four Agreements: Intro

I don’t exactly remember when Don Miguel Ruiz came to my awareness. I do remember his words hit me like a ton of bricks. His perspective on what I call “essential rules” were key elements in helping me change the downward trajectory in my life. Ruiz’s pivotal book helped me take personal responsibility for a lot more of my life than I previously had. His “agreements” provided me with basic tools that we can all use to create and sustain our own happiness.

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz was first published in 1997. Born into a family of healers and shamans, Ruiz dedicated his life to creating a philosophy that blends ancient Toltec wisdom with modern sensibilities.

Ruiz begins this book by introducing the dream of the planet, which he dreams as the collective dream of all of humanity. This includes family, school systems, religion, and culture. Children learn their particular versions of “the dream of the planet” or the “truth” from their parents, teachers, and religious leaders through a process Ruiz calls the “domestication of humans.”

Ruiz explains how humanity is driven by an internal call “to pursue happiness.” Depending on your culture or belief system or religion, happiness can be achieved via many different routes. And what is happiness? Lack of pain. Lack of want. An abundance of love and joy. Meaningful work. Belonging to and identifying with a group.

In Chapter 1, Ruiz notes that everyone makes agreements in their lives from early on about what to believe, how to feel, and how to behave. However, these self-limiting agreements can actually cause people to continue living in hell in their personal lives.

Think about Catholics who refuse to release one another through divorce for fear of going to hell for doing so. Homosexuality was deemed a crime not so long ago. Geniuses like Alan Turing and Oscar Wilde paid a high personal price for their pursuit of happiness. To escape it and form a new dream, Ruiz outlines four new agreements people can make to fundamentally change their lives and lead them to personal freedom.

I can so relate. In my life, I grew up listening to well-worn narratives about our culture, community, and our family story. I wouldn’t go so far as to call what I heard “the truth.” In fact, my mother would frequently and flippantly say: “Never let the truth interfere with a good story.”

Every experience we had as a family was dissected and compared to how it “matched up” to the family’s pre-conceived beliefs. People were judged and granted inclusion into the family’s circle of friends only if they “fit in” and accepted our family’s values. As our family’s values were a little outside the norm, most of our friends were that way, too.

Some of the narratives I was inculcated in were about so-called immutable characteristics that had never been questioned. Mom couldn’t do math so, to her mind, her daughters couldn’t do math. Mom’s side of the family were all good people. Dad’s side of the family was all bad. Or worse, average. That nothing set them apart or made them special was anathema to my mother and her narrative about our superior values of inclusivity and above-average intellect.

I remember drawn-out conversations in our family circle about the deficiencies of other people in our community. Their stature in conversations rose in tandem with their accomplishments, their success in business, or their adventurousness. But if they were “ordinary” or “house proud” or “unambitious,” the implied message there was something “lesser than” about them. As I grew older and my circle widened with education and travel, I got a sense that our family might have been the subject of such discussions in other families’ conversations.

I marveled at how these rules and “agreements” we made in the family or even those that we make in society develop without any explicit discussion or agreement. They evolve. And the tighter the belief systems, the more rigid the rules. It is a form of survival, to be sure, but can create a life filled with fear and constraints.

Ruiz’s words invite us to question those belief systems into which we were born and see to what extent they are true for us personally. The potential to change our lives lies in our own hands. Doing so may be another matter.

The four agreements are elegant in their simplicity but – as elegant as simplicity is – it is challenging to implement and live by. But doing so is so worth it, as I experienced. I plan to explore each of them.